And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,
Or the the moment of truth in your lies,
When everything feels like the movies,
And you bleed just to know your alive.
"Iris" by The Goo Goo Dolls
I recently was speaking to someone that was getting ready to celebrate their childs birthday. The planning of the party, invitations, reservations, gift buying, all the typical things that go into a childs birthday she was mulling over because the party was the next day. When I walked away from the conversation I imediately started thinking about my kids and THEIR birthdays. To the kids, even the adult types, a birthday is a date in time that represents when our existance come about. We get presents, cakes, special treatments, and so on and so forth. The day also represents milestones in our lives. 16, 21, 40, 65 etc... We look at birthdays as "OUR" day. The one thing that is often overlooked is the fact that a birthday means much, much more to the parents. I look at my childrens birthdays as some of the happiest days of my life. The nine months of preparation, anticipation, excitement all pinicles on the day of the birth. We spend the next infinate amount of years raising, nuturing, thinking about their safety at all hours, what can we do to make them happy, and all those things. Then, as I am and will continue to find out, later in life we look at each birthday as a testement as to how we have and are raising our children. Are they a respectful teenager?, productive young adult?, are they happy?. How many kids remember their actual birth? none of them do. They have a document (birth certificate) that verifies the date and people who tell them that their birthday is a specific day. Just think, if you had a kid and never told them their birthday, never celebrated it, the parents would be the only ones who knew it. I don't think the parents get enough recognition on the day they celebrate the birth of their kids. We take second seat so they can have their day. I am not saying that that is not the way it should be, I am just pointing out my thoughts on the matter.
So what does all this have to do with the song clip from the Goo Goo Dolls? My kids are getting older. This is just one of the thousand things that are going through my mind right now during my mid-life crisis. I am alive, and the things that cause me pain and joy I find myself really analyzing right now. Trying to get a little more joy and a lot less pain.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Appearance is everything?
"You never know just how you look
through other peoples eyes"
Pepper By the Butthole Surfers
It has taken me 39 years to determine that what others think about me means nothing. Even though it has been clear to me for a while, the last 3-4 months has sealed the deal. I do the best that I can most of the time, am honest-brutally at that, try to be a good spirited, big hearted person, and yet I still get fucked with on a daily basis. I think I am the bigger person most of the time and keep my trap shut. But, there are those times that I revert to my red-neck way of thinking. Now, I am not saying that I AM a red-neck, I'm just saying I have those thoughts.
"I would rather someone hate me for what I am,
than like me for what I am not."
something I heard once.
This has always stood true for me. It takes someone about 30 minutes to get to know me. Really. I have been the same all of my life. And I don't forsee me changing anything. I understand that there are people that I am going to butt heads with, like that guy from the Mountain Dew comercial and the ram, but I am cool with that. I just have to figure out who those people are and avoid them if possable. Unfortunately, I have a few of them who I am really close to and it creates a problem.
I am loud, opinionated, often have flight of ideas, get bored easily, change my mind often, have difficulty completing things, get sucked into drama, worry too much about bullshit, speak my mind without a filter, and scratch my head often when people don't listen/care about what I have to say. Other than that, I'm good.
I guess what I am trying to accomplish with this post is............ I don't know. Just gettin' it out there.
and.....
If you don't like me........I don't care.
If I don't like you....... you'll know it.
On the flip-side, I don't hold grudges. So I wont end up not liking you for long. I guess I have a big heart and am a softie.
through other peoples eyes"
Pepper By the Butthole Surfers
It has taken me 39 years to determine that what others think about me means nothing. Even though it has been clear to me for a while, the last 3-4 months has sealed the deal. I do the best that I can most of the time, am honest-brutally at that, try to be a good spirited, big hearted person, and yet I still get fucked with on a daily basis. I think I am the bigger person most of the time and keep my trap shut. But, there are those times that I revert to my red-neck way of thinking. Now, I am not saying that I AM a red-neck, I'm just saying I have those thoughts.
"I would rather someone hate me for what I am,
than like me for what I am not."
something I heard once.
This has always stood true for me. It takes someone about 30 minutes to get to know me. Really. I have been the same all of my life. And I don't forsee me changing anything. I understand that there are people that I am going to butt heads with, like that guy from the Mountain Dew comercial and the ram, but I am cool with that. I just have to figure out who those people are and avoid them if possable. Unfortunately, I have a few of them who I am really close to and it creates a problem.
I am loud, opinionated, often have flight of ideas, get bored easily, change my mind often, have difficulty completing things, get sucked into drama, worry too much about bullshit, speak my mind without a filter, and scratch my head often when people don't listen/care about what I have to say. Other than that, I'm good.
I guess what I am trying to accomplish with this post is............ I don't know. Just gettin' it out there.
and.....
If you don't like me........I don't care.
If I don't like you....... you'll know it.
On the flip-side, I don't hold grudges. So I wont end up not liking you for long. I guess I have a big heart and am a softie.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
"Laissez faire et laissez passer,
le monde va de lui meme!"
Let do and let pass,
The world goes on by itself.
I usually don't go around quoting phrases in French, but this one I really like. No matter how big or how small my problems might seem to me at the time, in the grand sceme of things, it really doesn't fucking matter. The time is going to keep ticking away no matter how hard I try to slow it down. I was just thinking the other day that damn, I am almost 40 years old. I remember when I was 18 and sitting at my dad's 40th birthday party thinking he was getting old. I felt scared that getting old meant closer to death. Well, it does. In fact, I am closer to death than I was when I started typing this sentence. It's a fact. But I still don't feel like I am old just because I'm turning 40. I look in the mirror and see the grey hair and don't get it. I remember when I was again, 18, sitting in front of the mirror wondering what I would look like old (40). I see the same person as I did 22 years ago. but it's not the same person. Grey hair, a few wrinkles, the deepness of my eyes that speak a volume of experience, that is what I see now, not "old". My life is probably half over. Statistically speaking, if I make it to 80 I would have beaten the odds. Now, I have really sqeazed a lot into my first 40 years. Probably so much that I might not have 40 left. A real colorful past I must say. So what am I going to do with what I got left? That is a question that I ask myself daily. I have a strong feeling that I am in the midst of a mid-life crisis. I have a "bucket list" of things I want to do before I get to old. Some of the things my wife thinks I am too old for already. ie... full-sleeve tattoo, motorcycle, concerts, etc... I am not sure that I will ever think like a 40 year old, whatever that might be. I am pretty much stuck at 17. Which I might add, was a pretty good year for me. Ha!! that's an entirely different entry.
le monde va de lui meme!"
Let do and let pass,
The world goes on by itself.
I usually don't go around quoting phrases in French, but this one I really like. No matter how big or how small my problems might seem to me at the time, in the grand sceme of things, it really doesn't fucking matter. The time is going to keep ticking away no matter how hard I try to slow it down. I was just thinking the other day that damn, I am almost 40 years old. I remember when I was 18 and sitting at my dad's 40th birthday party thinking he was getting old. I felt scared that getting old meant closer to death. Well, it does. In fact, I am closer to death than I was when I started typing this sentence. It's a fact. But I still don't feel like I am old just because I'm turning 40. I look in the mirror and see the grey hair and don't get it. I remember when I was again, 18, sitting in front of the mirror wondering what I would look like old (40). I see the same person as I did 22 years ago. but it's not the same person. Grey hair, a few wrinkles, the deepness of my eyes that speak a volume of experience, that is what I see now, not "old". My life is probably half over. Statistically speaking, if I make it to 80 I would have beaten the odds. Now, I have really sqeazed a lot into my first 40 years. Probably so much that I might not have 40 left. A real colorful past I must say. So what am I going to do with what I got left? That is a question that I ask myself daily. I have a strong feeling that I am in the midst of a mid-life crisis. I have a "bucket list" of things I want to do before I get to old. Some of the things my wife thinks I am too old for already. ie... full-sleeve tattoo, motorcycle, concerts, etc... I am not sure that I will ever think like a 40 year old, whatever that might be. I am pretty much stuck at 17. Which I might add, was a pretty good year for me. Ha!! that's an entirely different entry.
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