Happy Birthday to Everyone

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,
Or the the moment of truth in your lies,
When everything feels like the movies,
And you bleed just to know your alive.

"Iris" by The Goo Goo Dolls

I recently was speaking to someone that was getting ready to celebrate their childs birthday. The planning of the party, invitations, reservations, gift buying, all the typical things that go into a childs birthday she was mulling over because the party was the next day. When I walked away from the conversation I imediately started thinking about my kids and THEIR birthdays. To the kids, even the adult types, a birthday is a date in time that represents when our existance come about. We get presents, cakes, special treatments, and so on and so forth. The day also represents milestones in our lives. 16, 21, 40, 65 etc... We look at birthdays as "OUR" day. The one thing that is often overlooked is the fact that a birthday means much, much more to the parents. I look at my childrens birthdays as some of the happiest days of my life. The nine months of preparation, anticipation, excitement all pinicles on the day of the birth. We spend the next infinate amount of years raising, nuturing, thinking about their safety at all hours, what can we do to make them happy, and all those things. Then, as I am and will continue to find out, later in life we look at each birthday as a testement as to how we have and are raising our children. Are they a respectful teenager?, productive young adult?, are they happy?. How many kids remember their actual birth? none of them do. They have a document (birth certificate) that verifies the date and people who tell them that their birthday is a specific day. Just think, if you had a kid and never told them their birthday, never celebrated it, the parents would be the only ones who knew it. I don't think the parents get enough recognition on the day they celebrate the birth of their kids. We take second seat so they can have their day. I am not saying that that is not the way it should be, I am just pointing out my thoughts on the matter.

So what does all this have to do with the song clip from the Goo Goo Dolls? My kids are getting older. This is just one of the thousand things that are going through my mind right now during my mid-life crisis. I am alive, and the things that cause me pain and joy I find myself really analyzing right now. Trying to get a little more joy and a lot less pain.

Appearance is everything?

"You never know just how you look
through other peoples eyes"

Pepper By the Butthole Surfers


It has taken me 39 years to determine that what others think about me means nothing. Even though it has been clear to me for a while, the last 3-4 months has sealed the deal. I do the best that I can most of the time, am honest-brutally at that, try to be a good spirited, big hearted person, and yet I still get fucked with on a daily basis. I think I am the bigger person most of the time and keep my trap shut. But, there are those times that I revert to my red-neck way of thinking. Now, I am not saying that I AM a red-neck, I'm just saying I have those thoughts.


"I would rather someone hate me for what I am,
than like me for what I am not."

something I heard once.

This has always stood true for me. It takes someone about 30 minutes to get to know me. Really. I have been the same all of my life. And I don't forsee me changing anything. I understand that there are people that I am going to butt heads with, like that guy from the Mountain Dew comercial and the ram, but I am cool with that. I just have to figure out who those people are and avoid them if possable. Unfortunately, I have a few of them who I am really close to and it creates a problem.
I am loud, opinionated, often have flight of ideas, get bored easily, change my mind often, have difficulty completing things, get sucked into drama, worry too much about bullshit, speak my mind without a filter, and scratch my head often when people don't listen/care about what I have to say. Other than that, I'm good.

I guess what I am trying to accomplish with this post is............ I don't know. Just gettin' it out there.

and.....

If you don't like me........I don't care.

If I don't like you....... you'll know it.


On the flip-side, I don't hold grudges. So I wont end up not liking you for long. I guess I have a big heart and am a softie.

"Laissez faire et laissez passer,
le monde va de lui meme!"

Let do and let pass,
The world goes on by itself.


I usually don't go around quoting phrases in French, but this one I really like. No matter how big or how small my problems might seem to me at the time, in the grand sceme of things, it really doesn't fucking matter. The time is going to keep ticking away no matter how hard I try to slow it down. I was just thinking the other day that damn, I am almost 40 years old. I remember when I was 18 and sitting at my dad's 40th birthday party thinking he was getting old. I felt scared that getting old meant closer to death. Well, it does. In fact, I am closer to death than I was when I started typing this sentence. It's a fact. But I still don't feel like I am old just because I'm turning 40. I look in the mirror and see the grey hair and don't get it. I remember when I was again, 18, sitting in front of the mirror wondering what I would look like old (40). I see the same person as I did 22 years ago. but it's not the same person. Grey hair, a few wrinkles, the deepness of my eyes that speak a volume of experience, that is what I see now, not "old". My life is probably half over. Statistically speaking, if I make it to 80 I would have beaten the odds. Now, I have really sqeazed a lot into my first 40 years. Probably so much that I might not have 40 left. A real colorful past I must say. So what am I going to do with what I got left? That is a question that I ask myself daily. I have a strong feeling that I am in the midst of a mid-life crisis. I have a "bucket list" of things I want to do before I get to old. Some of the things my wife thinks I am too old for already. ie... full-sleeve tattoo, motorcycle, concerts, etc... I am not sure that I will ever think like a 40 year old, whatever that might be. I am pretty much stuck at 17. Which I might add, was a pretty good year for me. Ha!! that's an entirely different entry.

Mr. 9mm

" There's a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the week through the valley of darkness. For he is truely his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you. "
"I been sayin' that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, that meant your ass. I never gave much thought to what it meant. I just thought it was a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before I popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice. See, now I'm thinkin': maybe it means your the evil man. And I'm the rightoeus man. And Mr. 9mm here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could mean your the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. And I'd like that. But that shit aint the truth. The truth is your the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be the shepherd."

Jules- PULP FICTION

Just one of them days. This quote from the movie describes how I feel on many day. Working on my recovery, which is at 5 years now, lends me to good days and bad. Obviously, on the bad days I need to work harder to not be the "tyranny of evil men". Even on the good days, it's still work. The world does appear to be selfish and evil and many of the people in it I can see right through. I try not to keep those people close to me, but sometimes they sneak in anyhow.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Hmmmmmm..........

Maintaining for the sake.....

And it just don't matter now, because,

little by little,

I gave you everything you ever dreamed of.

Little by little,

the wheels of your life have slowly fallen off.

Little by little,

you have to give it all in all your life.

And all the time I just ask myself why

your really here?

Oasis- Heathen Chemistry, Little by Little

Driving really fast down the freeway it doesn't take much to go in a strait line. A little nudge on the wheel to the left, or to the right, and thats all it takes. Sometimes life seems like that car. Just keep going in that flow of traffic with the rest of the cars, stay in your lane, observe the speed limit, and all will be good. Sounds like a Sunday afternoon drive to me.

I have an analogy I like to use about marriage that runs in the same circle. It goes like this:

To me, marriage is like water skiing. If you stay right behind the boat where the water is smooth, there is usually no problems (as long as you can ski). But, if you get a little to far out to the right or to the left, the wake is bad and your gonna wipe out and sink to the bottom.

There is another one I just heard. It's an old greek wives tail.

The man is the head of the houshold. He makes the decisions.

The wife is the neck though. She can make the head turn whichever way she wants to.

Hmmm. I wonder how that can be. Sex? (or lack there of?) Nagging? Both?

Which brings me to maintenance. Why is it that someone thinks that if they throw you an occasional bone, say once every 3-4 weeks, that you'll stick around forever? Humans are a species of animal on this planet and have needs. especially the male animals. Testosterone is a timebomb when not taken care of.

I'm just saying..........

Talk about being an expert

I took my 13 year old paint balling today with some good friends that happened to be our old neighbors. Tom, who is in his 50's, has been asking me to go with them for about 4 years now. I somehow have always had something else going on that prevented me going with him and his son. Much of the time it would be anything going on would be an excuse to not go. I usually felt guilty but wouldn't go anyhow. Today I had no excuse. Now, my back is killing me so even though I went, I did not play. My 13 year old who loves paintballing did get to play and I am sure had a great time. I just watched. Maybe next time.

On the trip down to BFE where we played, Nathan, Tom's son, rode with me and my boy. I havn't had the opportunity to talk with nathan on an adult basis ever. He is a very, very smart individual. When I say smart, I mean rocket science smart. Literally. He had an internship with NASA right out of college where he studied some kind of engineering. Now, he has his Master's and is a couple of years away from his Ph.d. The freakin kid is only 24. He has no idea how set he is. He thinks he does, but until you get some age on you, a wife, kids, bills, mistakes, etc... you really have no clue at 24 what the fuck you have ahead of you. Anyhow, I asked the kid what it was that he was doing with himself right now. His response struck me odd. He stated that he was doing what he wanted to do the rest of his life. ??? I asked him what that might possably be. What he explained, and some of the details might be off, was that he is working at childrens hospital in cincinati on a research project that focuses on the knee. He went into detail about molecular level anatomy and the effects of robotics etc... Nathan said this is the thing he wanted to spend the rest of his life doing. Research on kids knees. I don't understand? Don't get me wrong, I am sure this is a very important issue for a small percentage of the population, but, this kid is a god damn genius. How about lets cure cancer? diabetes, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's. Things like that. Now one of the questions I didn't think to ask him was how he bridged from engineering to medicine so there is a little grey area I don't understand. But nonetheless, he is working to better things for people so amen to that. I have just never seen a 24 year old already have that much of an idea as to what he wants to do the rest of his life. And I mean specifically. Hell, I don't even know what I am going to be doing next year and I am 39.

He might want to practice a little more at maneuvers and sheilding himself for paintball wars though, he was the first and shot. And got it right in the neck. OUCH.

seriously, I'm scratchin my head.

Now when I say I'm scratchin my head, it's not the lice-infestation kind of scratching, or the "I havn't showered in 3 days"kind either. Mainly what I am talking about is life, and the things that have been going on around me. I am a good guy with a big heart. I am also an opinionated asshole as well. Being opinionated is far different from being judgemental. Just making that clear. I have opinions on politics, religion, sex, sports, parenting, and so on. And I am not affraid to speak them, in any company. Overcoming being judgemental has taken me 39 years to do and is still a battle. But I am winning it. In the process though, I have unearthed many issues that I have had that I didn't know bothered me so bad.
I am creating this blog to explore my thoughts, feeling, emotions, and life decisions with myself and anyone else who cares to listen or chime in. Let the fun begin.